Released May 6, 2022
Genres: Downtempo, dub
Dream That I Had was my first song I ever released! The origins of it date wayyyy back to January 2019, when I did an odd jam session on my computer late at night. The lyrics were pretty bizarre, detailing a dream about falling endlessly into a void, and because I never actually had a dream like that, I decided to title the session "a dream ive never actually had lol". In the first few months of 2020 (I can't find out when), I had a fun idea to make a chill remix of Giant Steps by jazz saxophonist John Coltrane, a song I was learning on piano at the time, but make it in the style of Hard to Love by Calvin Harris and Jessie Reyez, a song I LOVVVEEED in 2019. So, my first demo of Dream That I Had was made, titled "a dream i HAVE had", in reference to the first session. This name ended up sticking when I wrote the lyrics, because I thought it was an interesting concept.
That first demo sounds like shit. At the time though, it was easily my best song I ever wrote, produced, and sang. It was what I ended up sending to colleges when I applied. However, in September 2021, in my freshman year of college, two amazing things happened that helped me to decide an aesthetic for my album. In my reverse chronological (long story) listening of the biggest songs of each year, I got to 1969, a glorious haven for psychedelic pop, which included the gem Crimson and Clover by Tommy James and the Shondells, which still remains one of my favorite songs to this day. When I first heard the song, I was entranced by its sound and aesthetic, and the progressive way it develops. The second of these events was the release of the indie video game Deltarune Chapter 2, which was a huge event in my friend group at the time. The soundtrack features the song WELCOME TO THE CITY a cute synthy bop inspired by the vaporwavey aesthetic of said city. I listened to both of these songs EXTENSIVELY, and was madly in love with the vibe of both of them, so I decided that my album would be founded on cheap synthy sounds and lush psychedelic effects.
Following this revelation, I remade Dream That I Had from the ground up, rewriting basically every lyric (they were cringe af), changing the key (to make the melody higher and nicer to listen to), and reproducing the entire thing. The drum break around 1:03 actually is the drum track from the original demo, with added equalization, and trippy reverb and delay. The song itself isn't much to write home about, the vocals kinda sound like shit cause this was before I had a good process for doing vocals, so I was just rawdogging it. This production is gorgeous though, I'm really proud of basically everything I did here. The lyrics are about this emotionally abusive relationship I was in with someone who manipulated me in a lot of ways. Even two years after I ended my relationship with this person, I still found myself missing the times I spent with them - I told them so many of my closest secrets and shared so many inside jokes and fond memories with them that it was hard to convince myself that what I did was right. After two years however, I was absolutely fed up, and wanted write something cleansing and cathartic to help me move on from the relationship. So, I wrote this, comparing the relationship to a bad dream that I simply wanted to forget about.
Lyrics
Verse 1:
I'm tired of making space
But don't want to conversate
Need someone to help save me from myself
I need to take a rest
But breaks make me stressed
I always feel so empty cause my tears have all run dry Pre-chorus:
Just give me some life
Just something nice that I can strive for
I can hope and breathe and die for
That I won't need to pay a price for
Paid the piper and it shows
And I try to take control
But I'm so worn down
That I can't play the role Chorus:
I'm going through the motions here
Struggling to find emotions here
Right now I'm drifting through the days in vain
Drifting with no aim I'm going through the motions here
Try my best to keep it going here
But how, drifting through the days insane
It all feels the same Verse 2:
Give me your time
Help me to fathom all my woes
Give me your time
Or help me forget them I suppose
I've had too much time,
If I'm too social, I'll be broken
And I struggle being open
So I seclude myself For years I've had my time to think
About who I'm supposed to be
And I've ended even more unsure of who I'm calling me
My motivation's shot
And my passion is shot, too
If there's anybody out there who can hear me you've got to Pre-chorus:
Give me some life
Just something nice that I can strive for
I can hope and breathe and die for
That I won't need to pay a price for
Paid the piper and it shows
And I try to take control
But I'm so worn down
That I can't play the role Chorus:
I'm going through the motions here
Struggling to find emotions here
Right now I'm drifting through the days in vain
Drifting with no aim I'm going through the motions here
Try my best to keep it going here
But how, drifting through the days insane
It all feels the same